inner monologues & outer dialogues

is it weird to start vlogging at 30? 

I just finished filming and editing a new video for my YouTube channel and while I wait for it to finish rendering so I can polish it off with some audio and photos, I thought I would crack open a can of Diet Coke (aka my current naughty poison of choice) and spend a little time with you guys.

I've been stressing lately. I'm finding it hard to sleep more than three hours per night, and with my nephew soon to be born, now is NOT the time to be missing sleep because once he's here it's gonna be a noisy apartment. Planning for the move and also planning a career change has left me feeling a little nervous. I'm taking a huge step, albeit one I've taken a couple times before, but that's always a little nerve-wracking for me. But at the same time I'm also SO EXCITED. Making videos brings me a lot of joy and all the big plans I have for once I'm back in the city has me feeling some type of way. It's time to live. Time to try new things and get out there and see what comes into my life next.

I don't think it's that weird to start documenting your life at 30 years old. I think it's the time a person comes into their own (at least in my case, anyway) and why would you not want to watch that transformation happen? I want to push myself to do more and be more and having a video time capsule of that process and those thoughts is REALLY appealing to me. Maybe it's part of that whole wanting to be remembered when I'm gone thing. Not that I'm planning to kick off anytime soon, but it's nice to think there will be something tangible left behind when I cross that rainbow bridge. Something my friends and family can look back on. Some would call that morbid, but I prefer to think of it as a lovely future gift. They can look back and watch me cursing.

Life is evolution. I don't know who I'm becoming yet but so far I'm happy with what I see.

laying down those slick & funky tracks. 

Making new music is a PROCESS, dudes. Especially when that new music is actually old music you've been writing for 11 years and you've never recorded. My first and only EP is from 2006, guys. THAT'S TWELVE FUCKING YEARS. I've played shows and dabbled in recording videos and songs at home by myself in that time but nothing really stuck. Of course, I've been writing this entire time so I basically have a mountain of unrecorded songs laying around. You know how Guns N Roses took a frickin' decade to finish Chinese Democracy? THAT IS ME WITH A FOLLOW UP EP. Except with more acoustic guitar and fewer bandannas. And less hair.

One of my headbanging heavy metal friends and I were having a conversation and I ended up sending him my Soundcloud link so he could finally check out my music (I've known him for years and have literally never shared any aspect of my musical self because I'm super weird and anxious about showing my shitty recorded music to people who ACTUALLY know the names of chords and shit) and he downloaded a couple of the songs and proceeded to MAKE THEM FUCKING INCREDIBLE. I don't know how, but he literally took what I wished I had made them sound like and made them sound exactly like they were in my head. Well, maybe not EXACTLY because obviously he's a creative motherfucker and he put his own twist on them, but you get my point. I listened to the first track at like 2AM and had my hands covering my mouth so I wouldn't scream loud enough to frighten the neighbors. I was OVER-FUCKING-JOYED. So naturally this has evolved into "HOLY FUCK WE HAVE TO WORK ON MUSIC" and he's agreed to help me make an EP.

You read that right: PROPERLY MADE NEW MUSIC IS ON ITS WAY. I can't even tell you how difficult it is to have two incredible songs ready to go and just fucking sit on them but I want to do this right and release a 5 or 6 track EP all at once like real artists do. But I can't even tell you how fucking excited I am.

On top of that, my escape-from-Mississauga plan is well underway. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with 'Sauga, but I used to have way more fun and play way more open mic nights and spend more time with my friends when I lived in Toronto so I'm coming back! Aiming for August, folks. And now that I'm on medication for depression (you can read more about that journey on THIS BLOG if you're interested) I'm psyched to see the city through fresh eyes. I SERIOUSLY HAVE SO MANY PLANS, YOU GUYS. 30 is my fucking age. Forget the teen years, forget the wild 20s, 30 is where it's fucking at.

So keep your eyes peeled on all the social media for various little projects. THIS IS IT, GUYS. This is gonna be a summer to remember.

XO.

Great Cycle Challenge 2018! 

I bought a bicycle about two months ago. Nothing super fancy, just a CCM mountain bike I got at Canadian Tire on sale for around $270. The idea was to get something slightly better than low end but not as expensive as high end and use it to get back and forth to work. I [...]

I Need To Get Out. 

This used to be my home. I felt comfortable here, it was my own private sanctuary against the injustices of modern day life. A haven. Now it’s a trap. The rooms are smaller than they used to be, and there is not enough space to stand. Every day the walls shift and move a little [...]

Body By Numbers. 

i count my teeth with my tongue sliding it over each surface they could be cleaner i count my lashes with my eyes half-closed and blissful they could see clearer i count my breasts with your hands tight grip and whispers they could be fuller i count each breath with my lungs i stretch and [...]

The Wild Bunch. 

Originally posted on Wait(er) Much like the ensemble cast of your favorite 90s sitcom, every cafe has a collection of well-known and well-loved characters. The folks you see behind the counter — expertly folding steamed milk into heart and leaf shapes, pouring coffee into your cup with one hand while magically brewing and grinding with [...]

Enter The Dragon. 

Originally posted on Wait(er) Any barista worth their salt has a sixth sense for customers, developed over time. We can tell when you’re moody, difficult, a plain old bitch, or totally awesome, and adjust our service accordingly. If your friendly neighborhood coffee pusher gives you a free up-size or an extra shot of espresso, you [...]

A Flash Of Yellow. 

Originally posted on Wait(er) Before the sound of coffee beans plunging to their deaths and the incessant queries of customers requesting half-sweet-soy-no-foam-no-whip-extra-hot caffe mochas and then changing their mind after you’ve painstakingly crafted their beverage, there is peace in my cafe. We open at six, so baristas are scheduled to begin work at five-thirty. Thanks [...]

Grandmother. 

One finger laced to another The quiet snap of gas between bone as they fold together A road-map of journeys internal Translucent blue, meandering Pronounced against silken paper skin Brittle, dry, fragile yet strong Encasing a vibrant soul that hasn’t aged Still the body fails it Betrayed to the endless embrace Of the deepest sleep [...]

How To Burn A Bridge. 

Originally posted on my friend’s writing website. The link is no longer active but I wanted to share this anyway. It has always been oddly disconcerting to see my entire life squared away in cardboard boxes and dull black garbage bags. I’ve moved thirty times in twenty years and the sight of a bare apartment [...]