inner monologues & outer dialogues

ain't no cure for the wintertime blues. 

Ah, December. Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve... And my birthday. In five days, I'll officially be "in my 30s". I'm turning 31. Seems crazy.

It's insane how quickly time flies, isn't it? Seems like only yesterday I was packing my guitar into my stepfather's truck to drive to Markham to record my first EP. That was back in 2006 and here we are 12 years later and life is so far from what I thought it would be. Some parts are better than I could've imagined, some parts are worse, but all of it is what makes up the fabric of my life and all of it has been integral to my journey. I always get a little introspective in the days leading up to my birthday, although I suppose since it's so close to the end of the year a lot of people start looking back to see how far they've come and ahead to plan where they're going.

It's been a tough day today. It's one of those super gray winter days and those are always the days I can feel the pull of SAD. It's like winning the worst lottery in the world to be so affected by the weather on top of having regular depression. The only thing I can really do is take vitamin D, snuggle my nephew, and wait for spring. On the upside, I've been working on some new songs lately and gearing up to record the ones I've already written.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles when the days are short and gloomy, so if anyone out there is reading this and can relate, know that you're so not alone. Hang in there. Winter may have just began but that just gets us one step closer to spring.



you're not tired because you're working -  

You're tired because you haven't done enough of the things that spark a light in you.

I'm paraphrasing, but I think you catch my drift. I FEEL THIS ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL. The past year has been a clusterfuck of ups and downs and maybe even some sideways. I've been on and off antidepressants. My nephew was born. I got settled into a new job. A few folks have disappeared from my life. It's been a trip. I was supposed to move back to Toronto in the fall but thanks to yet another huge mental hiccup, that never happened. While I'm not proud of the way I handled things in that situation, I do honestly believe it was for the best.

I'm still in Mississauga, still fighting that good fight every day. But like most people working through depression, I've been backsliding a little bit. But I'm familiar enough with this process to recognize and adjust, and I'm no therapist but I'm pretty sure that means I'm improving.

The album that was supposed to come out in 2016, then 2017, and finally 2018 NEVER HAPPENED. That's my own fault. It's genuinely difficult to balance working a day job and finding time and energy to create. I guess that's the greatest part of being a nobody -- the only person I've disappointed in that respect is myself. So many other people find time to do the things they love so I really have no excuse.

Does this sound like a negative post? It's not, stick with me.

I'm about to turn 31. Over the past month or so, I've slowly begun investing money in what I call my home studio (which is really just my bedroom). I have a plan in place for recording my music. I've collaborated with a friend of mine who knows more about music than I do, but distance and day jobs makes it hard to really work anything out so I'm planning to do this primarily by myself. I have a lot to learn when it comes to recording, but for the first time in a long time, I'm fired up about that process. It's been so long since I just sat down and dicked around with something new. Maybe that's what happens as you get older. You become more a creature of habit instead of jumping into something new with both feet.

So this is me, socks off and toes in the water. Venturing into something both familiar and new. I don't know what 2019 has in store but I do know I plan to make the most out of it and face whatever comes my way.

You're welcome to join me.